


James and the Giant Crush

by galaxiestoexplore



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: (we are speaking of course of James being a bit of a creeper), F/M, General tomfoolery, James has a massive crush on Lily and is a huge git about it, Kinda?, M/M, Marauders' Era, Shenanigans, as per the usual, gentlemen: if you want someone's attention here's how NOT to flirt with them, it's seriously just a normal day, just another normal day at Hogwarts, oh boyo i think i still thought i was straight when i wrote this, pre-Jily, so that's both hilarious and completely unrelated to anything, there isn't really that much of a plot, unhealthy relationship dynamics
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-27
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-09-28 10:52:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17181584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/galaxiestoexplore/pseuds/galaxiestoexplore
Summary: A snippet of the Marauders' life at Hogwarts.





	1. The Boys Are Back

**Author's Note:**

> Another fic I started in 2015 and then never finished. Mostly banter, but it's enjoyable to read anyway, I think.

“Remus?” asked Sirius. “He’s hella bi. I would say hella gay, but that’s already been disproven. Don’t ask.”

“And you?” said Lily, slyly sliding her eyes from the pale boy studying in a tree’s shade to the black-haired boy she was talking to.

“I’m… open.”

“And I’m pretty sure half the school ships you and James,” she added.

“Everyone but James,” said Sirius casually, playing with a strand of dark hair.

“I dunno about that. He goes along with it pretty well. I mean, get anyone to go up to him and exclaim ‘are you fucking serious?’. See what he does.”

Sirius yawned luxuriously. “He’ll say yes and wink at me. And I’ll wink back.”

“You flirt _constantly_ ,” stated Lily.

“We do. I’m just too attractive for him to resist,” said Sirius, wiggling his eyebrows.

“You don’t deny the rumors.”

“No, I most certainly don’t, Evans. You see, any attention is better than none.”

“I could argue the opposite point,” sighed Lily. “James stalking me is the last attention I want.”

“Well, there’s nothing I can do about that. The kid’s got his eye set on you.”

“I don’t want a relationship, and if I did, it wouldn’t be with Potter!” Lily exclaimed, probably a bit too loudly, as most of the students in the library glared in their direction. “Sorry,” she whispered, “but it’s kinda creepy. And I don’t want the attention. He’s not attractive, he’s stuck-up, he’s mean to Sev—“

“—only for fun—“

“—and he keeps making all these sexual innuendos at me! It’s off-putting!”

“Well, Evans, I apologize for his actions, but I can’t do anything.”

“Can’t or won’t?”

“Dunno. But either way, nothing is happening. If I even say your name, he drifts off into la-la land and starts messing up his hair. Plus it’s kind of funny to watch him pursuing the one girl in the school whose secret dream isn’t to snog him in a broom cupboard.”

“I am _not_ the _only_ girl who isn’t attracted to James!”

“Fine, but one of few. And I swear he won’t seriously consider any of them as long as you exist. I mean, sure, he might’ve kissed a few, but…”

“Hang on. He kissed other girls while trying to ask me out?”

Sirius shrugged. “He’s a teenage boy. Why do you care, anyway?”

“I don’t,” said Lily, looking nevertheless angry. “It’s just, he’s _such_ a hypocrite! He’s trying to get me to go out with him, gets sulky if I date anyone else, and all the while he’s snogging girls all over the castle—“

“I wouldn’t say all over the castle. And if it’s any consolation, I’m sure he’s picturing your lips instead of theirs.”

“EW!”

“Ooh, might want to hold that thought, Evans. James alert.”

Lily stormed off, looking angry, her ginger hair waving in the wind like a crackling fire. James’ hair, in contrast, looked surprisingly flat.

“That was Lily Evans.”

“Yes, it was, mate.”

“You talked to _Lily Evans_ without me?”

“Check your privilege, mate. I can talk to whomever I want.”

“ _Lily Evans_. Without _me_.”

“About you, though.”

“ _ABOUT_ me?!!!!”

Sirius seemed to be rather enjoying the thunderous look on James’ face.

“Yep. So what’s up, anyway?”

It was a sign that they were the best of friends that James dropped the subject.

“Not much. I mean, it’s the weekend… and I haven’t got much homework, not that I’d do it if I had it…”

“In other words, you’re looking for a laugh,” said Sirius, grinning wickedly.

“I wouldn’t object to some… shenanigans.”

“Excellent,” said Sirius, doing a maneuver that for anyone else would have been called “hopping up”. On him, it looked a lot smoother and lazier than it should have, somehow. It was probably his sheer height, which, while not amazing, was remarkable—in that he remarked on it every day, lording his one and a half inches over James.

“So, where are we going for these festivities?” asked James as he and Sirius strolled down a passageway, sunlight streaming through the high, narrow windows and illuminating their faces in stripes. Their robes swished warmly, and few other students were in the halls— it was far too lovely outside for them to stay in.

“You know, I’ve been thinking about the kitchens lately,” said Sirius.

“I like your idea, Mr. Black.”

“Thank you, Mr. Potter. I quite like it myself.”

 

Exactly twenty-two-and-a-half minutes later, Remus Lupin heard heavy footsteps coming towards him and looked up to see two of his favorite people, laden with food.

“Should I ask where you got that?” he inquired.

“Nope,” said Sirius firmly.

“So what did you get?” Remus asked, nosing around the food as they unloaded it from their arms. “This looks like pastries… sandwiches… soup… is this lunch?”

“It is now,” said James. “I love house elves.”

“Mmm. You really shouldn’t be stealing food,” said Remus mildly, but he didn’t protest when Sirius handed him something warm wrapped in paper.

“That’s something you’re really going to enjoy, Moony. And there was a package for you at the Owlery, we picked that up too.” A box landed on Remus’ lap, heavy and brown.

“Hmm. Wonder who sent me a box.”

“Great gift, boxes,” said Sirius. “You can use them for storage, for making stuff…”

“For decorating and giving to someone else,” chimed in James.

“Yeah, or for hiding in. Although that looks a bit small. But you know. Boxes. Unicorn of gifts, they are.”

Remus nodded sagely as Sirius extolled the virtues of boxes. He was so _sarcastic_ sometimes.

“Wonder what’s _inside_ the box?” he asked once the two had done.

“Inside the box!” said Sirius, throwing up his hands in a rather exaggerated manner. “Didn’t even think of that, James, did we?”

“I don’t think it matters what’s inside the box, Padfoot,” said James. “The box itself is the best gift.” He leaned an arm on Sirius’ shoulder, looking slightly awkward as Sirius was taller.

“Right you are, Moony,” said Sirius, and they grinned identically at Remus.

“Lovely, you two can have the box when I’m done then.”

Sirius clasped a hand to his chest. “Did you hear that, James? He loves us so much he’s giving us his present. A box all to ourselves. We should be honored.”

“Shut up, Padfoot,” muttered Remus, smiling as he bent over to inspect the box.

“Careful there,” said James. “Don’t want to damage that box.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Be quiet.”

Remus was what the other two would call “a prat” when it came to presents. He opened them slowly and carefully, as to not damage the wrapping paper. Sirius, having had to unlearn the practice after being told to be careful for his whole life, was particularly disgusted at Remus’ lack of urgency. “Come on, Moony. Just open it!”

“I like to savor the moment,” said Remus, with a distinctively I’m-enjoying-your-annoyance sort of gleam in his brown eyes. The box slowly unfolded under his hands, revealing…

“Is that actually a rock?” said Sirius incredulously, leaning over to have a closer look.

“Don’t lose your balance and fall,” said Remus mildly.

“It is a rock! Why?” inquired Sirius, straightening back up. “Do you have some kind of weird mineral fetish we don’t know abou-“

“I’m not letting you finish that, and no,” interrupted Remus. “It’s my lucky rock. My special rock. My parents must’ve found it in my room or something.”

“You have a special rock?” asked James, grinning evilly.

“I found it beside the river when I was six,” replied Remus. “It’s shiny, I don’t know. It seemed to focus me a bit when I turned, so I kept it.”

James’ expression immediately switched to one of sympathy and concern. The transition was so quick one might have wondered if he had it queued up already. “Why didn’t you bring it when you first came to Hogwarts?” he asked.

“I lost it,” said Remus. “A few years before I got my letter. I dunno how, I always had it with me. But well… here it is.”

“Excellent,” said Sirius. “Now, about that box…”


	2. James Done Fucked Up

Lily Evans was walking down the hall, and she looked _mad_. Not as in crazy, but as in hair-flaming, foot-pounding, punching-people-into-the-wall angry.

She did have a bit of a hot temper, Sirius supposed.

“Wotcher, Evans!” he called out to her, and she changed course. She actually looked quite intimidating like this. Sirius resisted the urge to back up a few steps.

“Your _friend_ is stalking me.”

“Tell me something I don’t know,” he said, relaxing. If James was what she was upset about, he could deal with it.

“I don’t think you understand. James was IN MY BATHROOM this morning. In my _bathroom_ , Sirius! He scared the living hell out of me! You have to do something.”

“Like I keep telling you, I’m not sure I can,” replied Sirius. “He’s pretty far gone on you.”

“Well, improve his manners then,” snapped Lily. “Hiding in the girls’ bathroom waiting for me to come in is NOT a good way to curry my favor.” She stalked away, looking annoyed.

Again, James walked up just as Lily was leaving. “I swear, you two are talking every time I see you,” he said.

“Nah, she’s just venting to me because you’re a git.”

“At least I’m more attractive than you.”

“You are not. Who got asked out first?”

“That doesn’t count, she was on a dare!”

James and Sirius strode side by side down the passageway, taking three left turns and a moving staircase on their way to the Great Hall for lunch. People often asked if they were twins— though their features were very different, they did share a hair color and a certain way of moving. In addition, they were hardly ever separated— even in detention. Sometimes Sirius saw what they saw, the synchronicity between the two of them— sometimes he didn’t. Today was one of the former.

They grinned at the same people, raised a hand to high-five Marlene McKinnon at the same time, and said “Whassup, Furboy?” to Remus at the exact same time.

Remus looked up from his waffles in a manner that seemed to be half hello and half eye-roll.

“Morning.”

“Ah, come now, Moon-bot, surely you can muster up something cheerier than ‘Morning’ for your boys!” said Sirius, thumping a hand down on Remus’ shoulder, which Remus gingerly lifted off as if it was a frog.

“No, I can’t, and you’re not ‘my’ anything.”

“What’s got you all annoyed, my friend?” asked James, sliding onto the bench next to Remus and grabbing a sandwich in each hand.

“Lily Evans. Actually, no, it’s you, it’s your fault.”

“What? Has she finally come over to my side? is she annoying you with descriptions of my square jawline and fine physique?”

“No, shockingly. She’s complaining that you are… what were her exact words, again… Oh yes, ‘lurking in intimate places to catch a glimpse of me undressing or something, the bastard’.”

“Er. Actually, there’s an explanation for that…”

“Ooh, is that her way of saying you were hiding in her bathroom this morning, James? What a way with words that girl has…” mused Sirius, his eyes sparkling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Consider this chapter... unfinished. I wonder what James' "explanation" for being in the Gryffindor girls' bathroom is?
> 
> I might come back to this story sometime if people are interested-- let me know in the comments!
> 
> (addendum: I'd headcanon that Hogwarts' bathrooms are all gender neutral now, since I would assume the younger generation are more caught up on/logical about such things as "why the hell are bathrooms gendered anyway" than the older generation... after all, they know how to use the internet. However, this story's set in the 1970s, so gendered bathrooms are IN. Invasions of privacy are still not okay, though.)


End file.
